Good morning and Happy Wednesday to all of you! As you read this, I am undergoing surgery, or just about to go in. The outcome is uncertain, but so is everything in life. I have cried a lot in the past few days, partly because everything seems to be happening so fast, and I might leave my wife without a husband and my sons without a father. It sickens me and hurts so bad just thinking about that, but it is for that very reason I am having this risky surgery; to increase my time with them and all of you.
The other reason I am brought to tears is I am worried about the possible impact that my sudden death will have on your outlook on life. I am worried you may lose hope, or be angry at God. The optimism and positive outlook from all of you and myself is very uplifting. However, I wonder sometimes if we all forget what the other real possibility is. It’s an awful thing to think about, but it may very well happen. I fear you may lose hope and strength should you be face with adversity. I feel so much is riding on my survival, but what would be a fulfilled survival time that we are all praying for? I have seen more than most at my age. I have experienced so much that life has to offer. I would love nothing more than to live a very long time, but I will have no regrets whenever God decides to call me home.
It is important for you not to lose your faith, love for life, or strength over a death of someone you love and care about. I do not want you to lose hope in life. Hope and God are what got me this far. Without them, I would have just given up.
Please realize I am happy. I am living my life more and more with each passing day. I do not know what it feels like to die, but I can tell you one thing, I know what it is like to truly live. It has been an amazing team effort to get me this far. It has been amazing sharing my life with you. Furthermore, it has been incredible to have you all share your lives with me. I love hearing about what makes your worlds go around. It makes us connected on a deep level; each and every one of us.
I fully expect to make it through surgery. It is important for you all to know that surgery will not be the end of my fight. No matter the extent of the resection of this disease, I will still be doing more chemo and radiation for a very long time. We are fighting against a formidable enemy. We must never give up!
On the other hand, I have always said I do not want any regrets from you or myself. Should I pass, I want there to be laughter at my funeral through the tears. I want there to be great stories of the very memories I speak of. I want you to remember the great times we have shared together. This is not a good-bye posting, but merely a way of not leaving anything on the table. At this point, I am a realist along with being an optimist. I understand both paths today can take.
With this said, I am staying true to form. I have written a letter to “each” of you explaining my feelings towards you. The reason it takes something like my journey to write these letters is beyond me. Why do we wait until it is almost to late? Why not do it once a month? It is more than just an I love you. It is a description that should make you cry and laugh at the same time because of the emotions it invokes. It did for me. Feel free to read all the letters, or just the one you feel pertains to you. It is important to me that you know how I feel about not only you, but everybody else sharing this ride with us. Each letter is free to be read by you all.
In closing, I love you all. Every beat of my heart is filled with love and strength to live another day, and spend that day with all of you. Thank you for giving me a complete life filled with love, memories, and happiness. Either way, I will see you on the other side. I love you.