I’m hurting. I’m torn. I’m numb.

My lovely wife said it best today, this is the nightmare that you can never seem to wake up from. If I am being honest, I do not know if I can do this again right now. How much should I have to endure to survive? How much torture should my wife have to be put through if the end result is a slow death? I am so exhausted, so emotionally torn, so sad, so scared, and so heartbroken that to even consider the tasks ahead are too much to take on right now.

For the first time the other week, I thought for sure I would make it to Landon’s first day of preschool. I had vivid dreams of standing there taking one of those pictures you see on Facebook where parents are crouching next to their adorable child while they wear their cute little backpack. It hurts. It hurts deep. I have no other way of describing it right now. I’m hurting. I’m torn. I’m numb.

I spoke with Dr. Ravi this evening. He stated it’s a very high probability that this is AS in my brain. He stated it is how it usually presents itself. He did state that he is very happy with the size and location, and shouldn’t be an issue with removal. I told I him I didn’t share in his sentiments of happiness.

Flying down to MD Anderson tomorrow morning to hopefully fit in a consult with a neurosurgeon, Dr. Lang. I feel like I haven’t seen or spent any quality time with my beautiful wife and sons in years. This just keeps dragging on and on.

I know this isn’t really Facebook material, and I should have wrote this in my blog. I’m not going to tag anybody because it is not my intention to shove it in people’s lives. Writing is cathartic for me, and it helps me get this out of the way so I can fight with all that I have without getting mixed up with what ifs and why me. Maybe this will just slide down news feeds and not even be noticed. I’m just glad I got this off my chest right now – always better out than held in. For good or bad, we are in this together, and I know no matter what, you will take care of Andrea, Landon, and Logan for me.

Please pray for us. I love you.

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6 Responses to I’m hurting. I’m torn. I’m numb.

  1. kathy stehlin says:

    always praying

  2. Rachel Peters says:

    Ryan, I am so sorry this is happening again, I will keep you in my prayers. <3

  3. Renee Levasseur says:

    Yes, I can imagine you are numb. Nothing you can do can stop God’s timing. You believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and that is the only way to Heaven. Only you and your wife know when you’ve had enough. My late husband and I had the same discussion. I was and still am missing him. I was 37. I couldn’t stand to see what the cancer was doing to him. I too..planned on growing old with him. I am now 61. You are not alone! I will continue to pray for you every night….miracles can and still do happen. God’s Peace and Love to you and your family.

  4. Cindi Dickey says:

    Well, I just saw this. I could tell I was missing something, from what I was getting in my newsfeed on Facebook. I wish I had see it sooner.

    However, I’ve saw this morning that you got your fight back, sometime between this post and this morning’s on Facebook. I believe that you will triumph, Ryan! BELIEVE. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but the Ryan I know FIGHTS and gets back up and says, “WTHell? I’m still here! I have an arsenal! I have options! I am down, but not done!” Let us carry you through this time, as you have carried so very many. Love and hugs to you and your wonderful wife, Parents, grandparents, siblings and darling boys. You WILL take that photograph, Ryan!

  5. Arsen S. says:

    Hi Ryan,

    You may not remember me from high school but then again not too many people do. I kept to myself, I hung out with a small group that I thought would be my friends for a life time. I don’t speak to them anymore. Ironically, the only guy I still talk to from Athens on a weekly basis is a guy I fist fought at a park after school. He’s also the guy who sent me to your blog to read your story.

    Your words are touching, and inspirational and I really hope you beat your illness. I smoked for over 10 years before I decided to quit. I systematically destroyed my health. It’s the most important asset we have in our life and I volunteered to poison myself. If I could give you even a portion of my health to aid in healing you from your disease. Trust me I would. Don’t give up, keep fighting my friend.

  6. Leann Lirkendall says:

    You know you have been at the top of my prayer list since the beginning of your illness.
    I will continue to pray for you and Andi and your family.

    I sure think of you a lot. May God give you the strength you need to fight this battle!


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