My lovely wife said it best today, this is the nightmare that you can never seem to wake up from. If I am being honest, I do not know if I can do this again right now. How much should I have to endure to survive? How much torture should my wife have to be put through if the end result is a slow death? I am so exhausted, so emotionally torn, so sad, so scared, and so heartbroken that to even consider the tasks ahead are too much to take on right now.
For the first time the other week, I thought for sure I would make it to Landon’s first day of preschool. I had vivid dreams of standing there taking one of those pictures you see on Facebook where parents are crouching next to their adorable child while they wear their cute little backpack. It hurts. It hurts deep. I have no other way of describing it right now. I’m hurting. I’m torn. I’m numb.
I spoke with Dr. Ravi this evening. He stated it’s a very high probability that this is AS in my brain. He stated it is how it usually presents itself. He did state that he is very happy with the size and location, and shouldn’t be an issue with removal. I told I him I didn’t share in his sentiments of happiness.
Flying down to MD Anderson tomorrow morning to hopefully fit in a consult with a neurosurgeon, Dr. Lang. I feel like I haven’t seen or spent any quality time with my beautiful wife and sons in years. This just keeps dragging on and on.
I know this isn’t really Facebook material, and I should have wrote this in my blog. I’m not going to tag anybody because it is not my intention to shove it in people’s lives. Writing is cathartic for me, and it helps me get this out of the way so I can fight with all that I have without getting mixed up with what ifs and why me. Maybe this will just slide down news feeds and not even be noticed. I’m just glad I got this off my chest right now – always better out than held in. For good or bad, we are in this together, and I know no matter what, you will take care of Andrea, Landon, and Logan for me.
Please pray for us. I love you.